If the Big 12 schools were women . . .
Texas is the hottest, richest chick around. She can have anybody she wants. If you land Texas , all of your dreams come true. What you don’t realize is that at the end of the day, you are going to be sitting outside of the dressing room at Nordstrom’s with your thumb up your *** holding her purse while she tries on a bunch of really expensive ****. If you can live with her wearing the pants in the family, then fine. But you’d better learn to like working for her daddy and having her tell you what to wear when you go to the club for dinner on Sunday nights.
OU is a hot chick with big fake boobs who spends lots of time in the gym, but she’s a huge whore. The bad news is that OU will cheat on you. The good news is that OU doesn’t care if you cheat on her. It’s all fun and games until someone doesn’t practice safe sex or your neighbors are snickering at you behind your back because your girl got double teamed by a couple of conventioneers at the Anatole the week of the Cotton Bowl.
A&M is somewhat good looking and intelligent, but completely bat **** crazy. You can’t tell if A&M is bipolar or just having really bad PMS. But either way, she is going to say and do a whole bunch of **** that is just going to leave you scratching your head or ducking for cover. A&M also has two really huge problems: 1) A&M thinks she is much hotter and much smarter than she really is; and 2) She’s got all sorts of issues with Texas . Both of those feed into her mania. You don’t know what you are getting with this nut job, but it wouldn’t surprise you if she cut off all of her hair and joined the SEC, and then 10 minutes later realized how bad she ****ed up and came back to you in hysterics.
Colorado is the hippy chick who spends all day on Pearl Street dropping empty gas tank lines on the tourists until her father comes to pick her up in his Benz on the way home from his law practice. Colorado is desirable as long as you can duck batteries, put up with poor hygiene and don’t mind the smell of patchouli.
Tech is cute but has poor self esteem. If you pay any attention to her whatsoever, she will love you forever. She’s the type who gives you a smoker on the way to dinner and would be just as content to be your **** buddy. The worse you treat Tech, the more she loves you.
Oklahoma State is a less attractive and sluttier version of OU. She might look pretty good if you’ve had a few drinks, and she’ll let you do anything you want to her in bed. You also might think that she’s rich, but then you find out that all of her credit cards are maxed out and she can’t afford the car she’s driving.
Baylor is overweight, homely and manipulative, and is always sticking her nose into your business where it doesn’t belong. Baylor will try every trick in the world to land the right guy. Baylor will lie, cheat, steal, backstab, blackmail, etc… and then justify it all by going to church on Sunday and asking Jesus for forgiveness. The worst part about Baylor is that she won’t give it up, but will try to cock-block you every chance that she gets.
Nebraska is a cougar who has lost her fastball and is jealous of the other hotter chicks (i.e., Texas ). She just spent $2500 on botox and lip injections, and she now looks like the joker when she smiles. It’s sad to see such a former hottie act so desperately and what’s worse, she can’t decide whether she should try to hook up with an aging sugar daddy or go have a series of one-nighters with the drunk twenty-somethings she picks up at Midnight Rodeo.
Kansas is your classic butterface. Great body, but she looks like she fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. At the end of the day, the bad grill outweighs the nice tight ***, because you never want to take her out in public. The last thing you want is to wake up the next morning and have Kansas staring you in the face.
Missouri is cute, but not hot. She’s a nice girl and has a great personality, but needs to drop about 15 lbs. You can see how she could be more attractive, but she’s not ever going to be very sexy, no matter what she does. Missouri is the girl you feel guilty cheating on, but you do it anyway.
Kansas State is overweight and stupid. A few years ago when she lost a ton of weight and looked pretty good, you hooked up with her. Now, you look back and can’t even imagine that it is the same human being. You ignore her Facebook friend request and pretend you don’t recognize or remember her when you run into her in public.
Iowa State is the drunken fat chick at the end of the bar that is just happy to be out of the house. The other girls are nice to Iowa State , mostly because they all look better standing next to her. Iowa State is the type who gets stuck with the huge bar tab at the end of the night and goes home alone unless some really wasted chubby chaser ends up tagging her.