KWash inspired me to continue my education on the Pac-10. KWash and I promise to be diligent students and to try to develop some care about this. We desire to become your guides and your local experts on all things Pac-Whatever. I have enlisted the help of my Pac-10 friend who has promised to keep tutoring me and to try to build my interest in all things West Coast. Here is what I have learned so far. Also remember that my friend is a BEAVERS fan, which means that he likes the Oregon team that is the Beavers and which is also called OSU, but (and this is important) they are NOT one of the two OSU's you would normally think about (Ohio State or Oklahoma State):
1. Some schools in Oregon. Beavers Good, Ducks Bad (this, apparently, is not a measurement of athletic quality, but of universal moral value). I am to repeat once a day, "Beavers are Good". I remember this by the initials "BAG", which I remember by thinking that, as a hunter, I would want to BAG some BEAVER. I also remember that I am trying to give a damn, and Beavers build dams. By the way, apparently Oregano is not from Oregon, but Hops is, so there is that.
2. Apparently there are several teams with a Bear-like mascot. Cal (I still can't get the name right. It's not really "Cal", but something about Berkeley. I remember this by remembering that Ronald Reagan sent troops into Berkeley in the 60's, and he also killed a bear when he was only 3 and threatened to bomb the shit out of Russia, which is a Bear. So my inner dialogue goes like this: "Ronald Reagan< Bear=Russia ->the Cal which is in Berkeley. They are also a bunch of commies, like the Russians used to be.
The other Bear team is UCLA, which I remember by remembering John Wooden. John Wooden coached at UCLA (pronounced Uck-La) so they must be a basketball school". I also think that they may be pro-gay. My Pac-10 friend didn't say that, but by not saying it he strongly hinted at it. Not that there is anything wrong with that. The Uckla and uT games could get interesting, in a "keep an eye on Bevo" kind of way.
3. USC I know, because... well, because everyone knows USC. Apparently they are cheaters, and Will Ferrell goes to their practices to help them cheat. This is the Hollywood team, so I know they are bad and a bunch of cheaters. They are not like Oklahoma, because Oklahoma doesn't get caught. So they are dumb cheaters.
4. Stanford is the smarty-pants school that produces serial cheaters like Tiger Woods. So I remember it because women should not marry men from Stanford, because they will always be all smarty-pants cheaters.
5. Now I know that there are two teams in the state of Washington, but only one is Washington State. The other is cleverly called "Washington". Neither team is in any way related to George Washington or Washington D.C. Either one could be good at any particular time, so you have to watch out for them, and someday - maybe - Our Beloved Mike Leach (pause... head bowed...may he rest on beach) may be the coach of one of them. So for now, I just think of them as a couple of teams one of which Mike Leach may someday coach. I also think of apples.
6. So there are two teams from Arizona, and I really have to study about these, because they are going to be in our "division". The Arizona State team is the "Sun Devils". Devils are bad, so we should be against them. That part makes sense. I don't know why they are still allowed to use the "devils" in their name. Maybe the real devils aren't offended and haven't protested like the "native americans" did. I still find it offensive towards real devils. They have a hand signal that is supposed to be a pitchfork and it looks like the uT thing kind of but also it is giving you the finger at the same time:
The ASU people say that the three fingers have important meaning... each one represents an important value that is part of the Sun Devil Way: achievement, engagement, and responsibility. But that sounds like a load of crap. At Tech we have one finger up, and it is a gun, which is a threat that maybe someday we won't be shooting upwards. At uT they have two fingers up, but that is because they all worship the devil. Since ASU is actually called the "devils" and their handsign is called "the pitchfork", I'm thinking it is not as esoteric and benevolent as they say, but then, I'm pretty cynical. When uT plays ASU everyone will be worshiping the devil, but the ASU fans will also be giving uT the finger. (***edited to fix glaring error about who the Arizona team is with the coach who is related to Bob Stoops***)
The other Arizona team is the Arizona Wildcats. They can be pretty good sometimes, but their team logo looks like the old City of Arlington "A". They desperately need a PR/Marketing team. They call themselves the "cats", but they must be some type of desert cat because most of Arizona is a desert, and my cats hate it when it is hot and they just sit up under the house and sleep all day. These cats play Toledo in September of this year and it will be on ESPN, so they must have some kind of inside scoop or access to Craig James, because otherwise... What. The. Hell? I also think that ASU's coach is related somehow to the Oklahoma coach. Maybe they are married.
If I have time, I hope to put up a guide to the Big-12 South teams that are going to be part of the new conference - as a benefit to Pac-10 people who may not know much about us (as if) but who are visiting DTN for special insight and intelligence.
I just wanted to keep you all up on what I had learned.
This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Viva The Matadors' writers or editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of Viva The Matadors' writers or editors.