Happy Memorials Weekend and welcome back! We'd like to start off by thanking all of you for loving us. We can feel it. We can feel your love.
Since our little project kicked off we've seen a big increase in readership. So much so that we are now ready for the big time. We feel that we can use our musings to pay a few bills, and maybe even the golf coach. Advertisers are lining up to be a part of this epic periodical and they'll pay the big bucks. So, guess what? We're going all NASCAR on your asses! You'll notice our sponsors and advertisements throughout the newsletter. Do us a solid and buy what they are selling.
Sshhh. Can you hear that? What's that sound? It's the sound of us whispering "moo moo". Why? Because our talent and hard work have taken this little newsletter to new heights. What started out as a PR stunt to help stop the bleeding is now a big fat cash cow! moo moo. moo moo.
MOO MOO MOFOs!
As usual, we've got a great issue for you. Kent will weigh in with his sage leadership advice and Pony has another movie to discuss. Gerald conducts a ground breaking interview and we'll share our notes from the hearing on May 14th where we took the first step in smashing that little roach from Key West. In addition, we'll give you an epic quote to ponder and exclusive sponsorships throughout. Enjoy!
Hance on Leadership
Wienerschnitzel and the Wiener Lover's Club are proud sponsors of Hance on Leadership.
Leadership Lesson #4: Keep your powder dry and protect your brand.
Sometimes as a leader you will be required to put out a few fires. The key is to keep your powder dry and protect your brand. Take for example a recent dust up we had on campus. Seems we paid $142,000 for a sculpture entitled Tornado of Ideas. Now, don't get me wrong, I like good art and sculptures. Every weekend I scour Wal-Mart and the mall for some good art, but this guy takes it to a new level. Lots of folks took exception to his depictions. Here's an excerpt from a recent newspaper article explaining the controversy:
"Among the scenes on the piece are a version of the Texas Tech mascot, the Masked Rider, holding a javelin, attempting to sodomize a police officer and two lesbian women sitting arm-in-arm looking out at passersby. On top of a book labeled "The Way Things Ought to Be" is a woman staring at a man clinging to the edge of the sculpture about to fall off.
First of all, it's wrong to lump our beloved Masked Rider in with that monster from Iraq. Secondly, we don't compete in the javelin so I have no idea where he would have gotten that. And finally, we shouldn't single out the police in this instance.
When I got wind of this controversy, I knew I had to keep my powder dry and protect the brand. I had to act quickly and decisively. So I did some research and found the depiction to be historically inaccurate. It's way too windy in Lubbock to leave javelins lying around and where exactly would these two women be sitting? On a park bench? I don't think so. Step by step I dismantled this guy. Depiction 1: dismantled. Depiction 2: destroyed. On and on until the problem was solved. I squashed this fire before it became a spectacle filled with fire rings, motorcycles and a crowd. Nothing to see here, move along. Everything is just fine. Who's your daddy now Mr. Tornado?
Anyway, my point is this: keep your powder dry. Protect your brand. Stand tall Red Raiders! We are Americans and we have rights. We should be able to walk down the street without fear of getting Husseined in the backside. Police officer or not, that's just not the American way. Leaders have to put these fires out as soon as they flare up. Leaders don't let their followers live in fear because, if we do, we let the terrorists win. We can't let the terrorists win.
So, the key is to protect your brand. And keep your powder dry. And don't let the terrorists win. Stand tall!
Until next month, remember: I'm Kent Hance and I'm a proud member of the Wiener Lover's club. Have a great June!
Craig's Corner is proudly sponsored by Peter Pan Peanut Butter. It's perfect for those magical nights when the wife is out shopping and the kids are away at school. It's just you, the dog and Barry White singing on Sirrius XM radio. On these occasions Craig grabs a big ol' can of Peter Pan Peanut Butter and lets the good times roll.
Hi everybody! It's your favorite pony back with another movie review. This month I'll give you my take on the Jame's Cameron epic, Avatar. Big ol' blue aliens that jump around on plants that light up. It's totally fake though because in real life the military would've blown that tree up much faster. It's hard to follow. Give me Chitty Chitty Bang Bang over this flick any day. Oh well, live and let live. That's my motto.
I also want to give you my thoughts on the big topic of the day- conference realignments. I've put a lot of thought into this. I put my pencil to paper and sweated out all the details. I even cried a little but I have the solution. We have to keep the power schools together. Cream always rises to the top and we can maximize ESPN's viewership by ensuring that the top schools are bound together. Besides, we all know that ESPN will ultimately decide who goes where! With that in mind, here is how the schools will align:
Now, there is a chance that Texas Tech can switch places with USC and join the Sunny Conference. How can that happen, you ask? Here's how:
Let's just say Tech has a certain lil' tight end with golden locks and haunting eyes. This lil' tight end gets a significant amount of playing time this year and scores a lot of touchdowns. This lil' tight end becomes the BMOC and gets all the girls and gets to drives a Trans Am. After the bowl win, this lil' tight end gets to direct the Goin' Band as they play The Matador Song. Then he's carried off the field like Rudy. Then the team comes back and carries me off too. Then we drive off into the sunset in our Trans Am. Can you dig it? You smell what I'm cooking over here?
If these things happen, Tech will bask in the sunshine. If not, have fun playing the University of Phoenix Online. Their stadium never sells out.
I'm Craig James and I approve of this message. And peanut butter.
Conversations with Gerald
Conversations with Gerald is sponsored by XM Sirrius satellite radio, featuring the all new Barry White channel. All Barry White, all the time.
Kent challenged me to think outside the box for this month's interview and I'm pretty sure I exceeded his expectations. I'll make journalistic history today with this interview! I will be interviewing former Tech basketball coach, and current Athletic Director, Gerald Myers. Believe me, no one has ever tried this before! I checked.
Gerald Myers: Good morning Mr. AD.
Gerald Myers: Good morning Gerald.
GM: Give us your thoughts on the progress the athletic department has made over the past few years and any highlights that stand out in your mind.
GM: It's been real good. The highlight that stands out most is when our men's basketball team almost beat Kansas this year. That was a great day.
GM: How did you celebrate?
GM: Two words- Grey Goose and NyQuil.
GM: Nice! What do you see as the biggest threat or obstacle that could keep your athletic teams from continuing to improve?
GM: Robots. They could take over the earth and if they do, it's a whole new ball game.
GM: That's a great point. So, what is your favorite TV show?
GM: I don't watch a lot of TV because I prefer to read. I read a lot of books, but occasionally I'll watch Sit And Be Fit.
GM: Oh snap! I love that show too! That aerobics instructor is smokin'. You said you prefer to read. What is your favorite book?
GM: No comment.
GM: Ok, great. Our readers are always looking to improve themselves. They are thirsty for tips from great leaders. Can you give us some insights on your management philosophy and your leadership style?
GM: Well, when I look in the mirror I see a wild unicorn looking back at me. I come into work everyday with that edge. You are either with the unicorn or you are against him, it's your choice. Just don't be surprised when the unicorn outsmarts you.
Also, reach for the stars but don't sleep where you eat and never eat in the linen closet. I am the unicorn stallion and I will eat you. Have you ever danced with a walrus riding a unicorn? Does it scare you? It should. I am the walrus. Cock-a-doodle-do.
I've got a sign on my desk that says Carpe Diem. It's an old Russian slogan that means "the customer is always right." The key is to figure out who the customer is. Is the wild unicorn stallion the customer? Maybe. But remember, never play leap frog with the unicorn. Nothing good will come from it. Carpe Diem!
GM: Wow! I'm blown away. That is awesome advice. Our readers will drink that advice like candy! Thank you so much for taking the time to meet with us today Mr. AD.
GM: Thank you, Gerald.
Quote of the Month
Quote of the Month is sponsored by the all new OrangeGlow Spray On Tan. Because it's prom time in Lubbock and that farmer's tan ain't gonna cut it. Nothing says "cool" like an orange face with a pink tie on prom night. Pick up your can of OrangeGlow today and get your swagger on in that stretch limo!
Our quote of the month is really a history lesson from baseball star Carl Everett. He may not be a Hall of Famer, but his understanding of history is indisputable. Here is his take on the existence of dinosaurs:
"Dinosaurs didn’t exist. God created the sun, the stars, the heavens and the earth, and then made Adam and Eve. The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can’t say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Someone actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus rex"
Thank you Carl. I have chills.
The Last Word segment is brought to you by Paul Sedaris Hardwood Floors. If you don't know the Rooster, you better ask somebody.
So we mentioned that we would share our notes from the May 14th hearing regarding the Leach case. Bet you didn't know we were in the courtroom, did you? It wasn't reported anywhere because we went in cognito (cognito is an Italian word meaning "keeping it on the DL"). Yes, we were there, sitting in the back, taking copious notes during the proceedings. We wanted to help out our lawyers and our cognito mission worked like a charm.
Here is a snapshot we took at the beginning of the day. It's amazing what a little make up, fake mullets and a horse head will do. We totally pulled it off! We kept it on the DL!
Of course we were a little concerned that Craig's costume might give us away. We had to roll with it though because he is contractually obligated to dress like a horse/pony any time he's keeping it on the DL. And we wouldn't want to break a contract, right? Anyhow, no one recognized us and we got some great information logged as a result. Gerald's notes are in black, Kent's notes are in red and the Pony's notes are in green. Of course, we could've had our handwritten notes transcribed and typed out, but we wanted to give you an up close view of the drama that plays out in a courtroom. You will also get a feel for our professionalism and depth. We fully understand the gravity of this situation and you'll see it reflected in our notes.
We know most of you aren't up to speed on the legal jargon, but try to keep up as best you can.
I kept the notes in my Trapper Keeper.
So you see, we continue to stay on top of this. We're dragging our university to Tier 1, driving athletic excellence, and Craig has his smiling face on ESPN every afternoon. Then he goes to church and Possum Kingdom. On top of that we're putting out a top notch publication and running cognito missions. We've got lots of balls in the fire but we're juggling all of them. We won't rest until we win back all of our disgruntled fans, and the hard work we put in proves it. Who else would do this? Who else would work this hard? Who else would put their balls in the fire for you?
We hope you enjoyed this edition and have a great month. And don't forget to stock up on peanut butter!