As I've been thinking about all the different arguments over the past couple days I found myself wondering "What would Newt do?' Then I wondered "Why in the hell am I thinking about Newt?" "Did his mom just close her eyes and point to a page in a Dr. Seuss book to pick out a name?" Even so, I think I finally figured it out. We need a contract!
So, I put together some stipulations for our new coach to follow, along with a quiz to test his qualifications to lead our Red Raiders. I am interested in getting everyone's feedback, especially from those on the DTN Law Review. I'm not an attorney, but I know this thing is air tight. If he can follow these rules and pass the quiz, I'm all in.
Contract & Agreement
During the course of American history, great debates have raged. Hamilton vs. Burr. Douglas vs. Lincoln. Paper vs. Plastic. During the last 30 days, a great debate has raged in Double T Nation. This contract is an attempt to remedy that situation.
Effective February 5, 2010 this Agreement and binding Contract (the “Agreement”) sets forth the agreement between Tommy Tuberville (hereinafter referred to as “Catfish Jesus”), the group of skeptical fans (hereinafter referred to as “Chicken Littles”) and the group of optimistic fans (hereinafter referred to as “Rah Rahs”). Collectively both fan groups (Chicken Littles & Rah Rahs) will be referred to as “DTN”
In order to appease the diverse and expanding fan base (DTN), Catfish Jesus agrees to:
1. Win games.
a. Beat UT (hereinafter referred to as “Austin Should be in California, not Texas”)
b. Beat A&M (hereinafter referred to as “98% of Their Alumni Drive a Maroon Tahoe”)
c. Any other teams on the schedule.
2. Win championships.
a. See above.
3. Ensure that student athletes remain students and graduate.
a. Exhibit A: Texas Tech once had an electrifying running back named Byron Hanspard. Bright kid and ordained minister. The Lord told Byron to choose Texas Tech over Notre Dame and Tech fans rejoiced. He energized the fan base for three (3) years and won the Doak Walker award. Then, for some reason, the Lord told Byron to stop going to class his junior year. Byron had a 0.0 GPA during the ‘96 fall semester and Tech removed itself from bowl consideration. DTN does not want to see this again.
b. Exhibit B: The school has received positive recognition for establishing an environment where football players attend class and the majority graduated during the last decade.
c. Exhibit C: Former Coach Mike Leach (hereinafter referred to as “Soon to be Sitting On A Big Pile of Cash”) set the tone. He is quoted as saying "If you get into a fight, don't take your helmet off...We're looking for smart football players, not dumb ones. In the interest of time, don't get into any more fights today."
4. Fix our administration.
a. While impossible to accomplish while employed by the university, Catfish Jesus agrees to shed light on the incompetence in the administration after he leaves the university.
b. Catfish Jesus will write a book filled with jokes about Gerald Myers (hereinafter referred to as “No Glory Since Losing Bubba”) and Kent Hance (hereinafter referred to as “No Glory Since Beating W.”).
c. The book shall include graphic illustrations and charts& graphs. DTN likes charts and graphs. DTN gets distracted easily.
d. Don’t charge $7.50 for a beer at fundraising events. This isn’t a rich state like Alabama. DTN is on a budget.
5. Read the DTN Blog daily.
a. There is lots of free advice and coaching strategies. DTN members are here to help. DTN members are football geniuses.
Assuming all stipulations are met, DTN expects you to retire in Lubbock. See: Attachment A: A Case Study of David McWilliams (hereinafter referred to as “Kiffin before Kiffin was Cool”). Don’t even think about trying to pull that.
In return for adhering to all of the above, DTN agrees to:
1. Cheer for the team.
a. When attending games in person, DTN will tailgate, eat as much as possible, and carry a flask in their boots. This is common practice. DTN will do more of it.
b. When not attending in person, DTN will wildly pace their living rooms and yell loudly until the kids are crying. It will be necessary to keep the windows closed so as not to scare the neighbors. Flasks are not necessary but coolers are allowed.
2. DTN will spell your name with only one (1) B.
3. DTN will refrain from using these phrases:
a. You better win or we’ll make you walk the plank.
b. The captain would not have done that.
c. Have you seen Pirates of the Caribbean?
d. Would you like some Captain Morgan with your coke?
4. DTN will petition to remove all Vince Gill songs from KLLL.
a. Mr. Gill closely resembles “Soon to be Sitting on a Big Pile of Cash”.
b. His songs aren’t that good anyway.
However, DTN reserves the right to:
1. Boo if Catfish Jesus punts.
2. Insist that Catfish Jesus keeps a passing attack.
3. Insist that Catfish Jesus call a timeout in the final minute of a game to score another touchdown against the Maroon Tahoe Alumni Club.
4. In addition, DTN reserves the right to refrain from calling you “The Riverboat Gambler”.
a. Lubbock has no rivers.
b. Gambling is illegal.
c. Lubbock has only sold beer for the past few months.
d. As such, DTN thinks it’s wise to move slowly here.
Having all parties adhere to the stipulations in the contract will ensure success and happiness. This agreement shall be binding upon the parties, their successors, assigns and personal representatives. Time is of the essence on all undertakings. This agreement shall be enforced under the laws of the state of Texas.
This is the entire agreement.
Signed the day and year first written above.
Catfish Jesus: __________________________________
DTN : __________________________________
Matador Intelligence Quiz
Designed to gauge your Texas Tech and West Texas Bona Fides
1. It’s a steamy night in South Texas. An up and coming team is playing in the biggest game they’ve been a part of in 20 years. You are up by 5 points with 7 minutes left. It’s 4th and goal from the 1 foot line. What do you do?
b. Kick a field goal
c. Call a QB sneak
d. None of the above
2. The University of Texas has found their way back into a National Championship game. How do you handle this?
a. Root for UT because they are from the state of Texas.
b. Root for UT because they are from the same conference.
c. Both A & B
d. Watch the game at a bar with your buddies and make fun of Mack Brown’s teeth the entire game.
3. When is it suitable to line up in the victory formation and take a knee?
a. When you are up by at least 10 points with a minute left.
b. When you are up by more than three touchdowns with a minute left.
c. When you are up by 48 points with a minute left.
4. Your wife wants to take a quick trip this weekend and get out of town. Do you:
a. Catch a flight to Dallas and stay at the Gaylord.
b. Drive up to Palo Duro Canyon for some outdoor activities.
c. Head to Sweetwater for the Rattlesnake Roundup.
d. Make the quick drive to Ruidoso and enjoy the mountain air.
5. How do you pronounce Ruidoso?
6. What’s in the flask?
7. You are knee deep in a very important practice. A trainer approaches with a phone in his hand. It’s Craig James and he needs to talk to you. Do you:
a. Take the call and remain cordial.
b. Tell him you’ll call back.
c. Ignore the trainer and focus on practice.
d. Smash the phone with an extra helmet. Gather all the pieces and put them in a zip lock bag. Cancel practice and catch the next flight to Bristol Connecticut with the zip lock bag in hand. Do some really bad things on national TV.
8. Quick, choose one:
9. A terrible dust storm blows in. How do you explain it to your wife and justify her new place of residence?
a. It should only last an hour or two.
b. I’ll hire you a maid to dust the furniture.
c. Just stay inside with the doors and blinds closed and hide under the bed.
d. Honey, the dust particles in the air make the sunsets so much more dramatic and beautiful.
10. Essay Question:
At what point does a burrito become a taco? Explain.
Answer: 23 miles north of San Angelo. If it’s early in the morning and you are in Dumas, or Plainview, or Brownfield and you are hungry you order a breakfast burrito. If you are at any point south of the B/T Parallel (23 miles north of San Angelo) the exact same item with the exact same ingredients is a breakfast taco. Egg, bacon, potato and cheese folded into a tortilla. Same thing, different name. Never, under any circumstances, order a breakfast burrito in San Antonio.
Signed contract and completed quiz should be faxed in by noon on Monday (I know, ironic). We will contact you soon to discuss the results. Thanks for taking care of this, it will really help us at DTN.