First things first. In case you missed it, September was Hispanic Heritage Month. To honor that, we thought we'd sprinkle some authentic Hawaiian words and phrases throughout this special edition of Musings. Ohana means family!
Hula Hoop! Pineapple!
Book 'em Danny!
And of course, aloha!
As you know, we've been busy over the last few months but felt it was necessary to reach out to you, Double T Nation, and ease your worried minds. You've been through a lot. You're frustrated. You're tired. Well, we're here to fix it. We're here to make you feel better. We're here to shock the monkey.
We can accomplish that with our soothing, authentic words. By the time we're finished, the monkey will be shocked.
As always, we have some leadership advice from the Chancellor, Pony's movie review, and a new, digital version of Conversations with Gerald. Enjoy!
I've put up with this for long enough. Stop all the damn cussing during songs. You think you are at the game to have fun? Quiet down and concentrate.
That Jolly Roger sumbitch cussed me and look what happened to him. You don't think I can fire a student? I'll fire all of ya. Lemme ask ya somethin'. Who is the only person to ever beat George W. in an election? Kent Mother Humpin Hance, that's who. I got the chops.
The last thing I ever expect to hear at a football game is a dirty word. Same goes for the internet. Cussin' on blogs is bullshit. Cut it out.
We've got plenty of water in the stadium now. Next week I'm bringin' the soap and we'll get your dirty mouths cleaned up directly. Line up.
Ok, so now that I've got the housekeepin' out of the way, let's get on to the fun stuff!
Not sure if you've heard, but our football team is going through some rough bumps. I decided to help where I can. Gerald also pitched in, even though he's been real busy. He's been meticulously packing up his ceramic penguin collection. You've gotta be extra careful so their cute lil' beaks and flippers don't break off.
Anyhow, Coach Tuberville put me in charge of advance scouting. Here's what I came up with for those mighty Baylor Bears:
1. Robert Griffin III is good. Watch out for him running the ball, or passing the ball, or both. He's real fast.
2. Be very glad you didn't have to face Robert Griffin II or, heaven forbid, Robert Griffin himself. That woulda been ugly. We are lucky to only be playing the III.
How to stop a bear from running loose:
1. A tranquilizer gun.
2. A trampoline.
We've been breaking down this video all week. It will really help our defense:
Keys to the game:
1. Stop Robert Griffin III.
2. Score more points than Baylor.
3. Watch out for fake punts.
4. Don't let them score if we kick an onside kick.
Follow these points and we win! You're welcome! Shock the monkey!
I'm not even gonna pretend to review Avatar. The movie was stupid. Giant blue people? Really? And how did that lady avatar's boobs not pop out when she was jumping through the trees? Not realistic at all and slightly disappointing.
Anyway, coach, I need you to call me. I've been trying to reach you but can't get through. You won't answer my emails. I twitter. I poked you on Facebook. I left a note on your car, nothing. This is ridiculous, we need to talk.
This is not what you promised me. You don't think I saw you send my boy over the middle in the Texas game? You don't think I saw that cheap shot by Gideon? Is there any player on that sideline that was more jacked up for the game after what happened in '08? And you sent my boy over the middle? I was so mad I said "fanny" on TV last week, without even using air quotes.
I know for a fact that Gideon had live ferrets with coffee for his pre-game meal. What's the big deal, you ask? Because ferrets kill COBRAS! Ferrets are little, tiny warriors, and Gideon ate two of them! With COFFEE!
Screw the mongoose and the lion. Ferrets are the real deal.
You need to call me. We need to get this worked out. Or just poke me.
If you're anything like me, you're tired of all the reading. Reading and writing is for losers. Who has time?
So, with that in mind, we've gone digital! My interview with a living legend, Dr. Lou, is just a click away. This is so good we're gonna play it on our new big screen before the Oklahoma State game!
I'm sure you're curious. "What is all this shock the monkey talk?" "Sure, I've got the Pete Gabriel song on my cool jams playlist, but what does it have to do with my Red Raiders?" Let me explain.
"Shock the monkey" is a phrase we throw around in the Bell Tower to deal with crisis control. We also use it clear our minds and identify potential trouble on the horizon. "Shock the monkey" helps crystalize our most pressing opponent and/or need. For example:
Lose a game we shouldn't have? - ZAP! Shock the monkey.
Bobby Knight is in trouble? We head down to the Market Street Salad Bar and BAZAAM! Monkey is shocked.
Playing Baylor? ZIPPO! Lightning bolt on the way, headed straight for that bear's ass. I am a palm reader and I see a monkey shocking in your future.
Disgruntled fans? BAZOOO! Buy 'em a bigger TV. What's that buzzing sound? Oh yeah, it's that monkey gettin' shocked!
Grandma is dehydrated at the SMU game? STADOOSH! As Charro would say, "Chocka da Moonkay!"
Got left out of conference expansion talks? MIZZOU! Can you spell Shock the monkey?
Court date with the pirate on Friday? POP! Case closed. We shocked the monkey.
We shock the monkey to solve all our problems, and it works. Everytime.
So, it's time to bear down. We haven't beaten Texas more than 20% of the time yet. Or Iowa State. But, we can beat Baylor if we properly shock that monkey.
Of course, "shocking the monkey" is only a figure of talk. We don't actually shock a monkey. Go ahead lil' monkey. Finish your banana. It's ok. Don't be scared.
Join us Double T Nation! Join us as we figurely shock the monkey!
This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Viva The Matadors' writers or editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of Viva The Matadors' writers or editors.