Revised Contract & Agreement
Effective October 29, 2010 this Agreement and binding Contract (the "Agreement") sets forth the agreement between Tommy Tuberville (hereinafter referred to as "Catfish Jesus"), the group of pissed off fans (hereinafter referred to as "Buzz Killians") and the group of optimistic fans (hereinafter referred to as "Sunshine Pumps"). Collectively both fan groups (Buzz Killians & Sunshine Pumps) will be referred to as "DTN"
In order to appease the diverse and expanding fan base (DTN), Catfish Jesus agrees to:
1. Win games. We're not kidding. Rebuilding is for towns hit by a hurricane. We don't have hurricanes.
a. Beat UT (hereinafter referred to as "You can take a nap on 35 any day of the week") next year. We're not quite to that 20% threshold yet. We pissed away a great opportunity in 2010. Don't piss away opportunities. UT might lose 5-6 games this year and DTN wanted to make fun of them for it. Don't rob us of our joy. We're petty and small. So what? UT sucks.
b. Beat A&M (hereinafter referred to as "Alumni responsible for 97% of maroon automobile sales in the US and Guam") tomorrow. Wes Welker, Robert Johnson, BJ, midnight games, Nenemiah, Zach, Javorsky. C'mon dude. This is not just another game to us. See above. We want to make fun of Aggies next week. Aggies suck.
c. Beat any other teams on the schedule, including the mighty Iowa States. Cyclones suck.
a. Let's start by winning tomorrow. Then we'll worry about the next game. Then the next game. Let's win the Aggie Bowl Championship. I'll even send you a belt buckle and a trophy. We want this game. Aggies suck.
3. Ensure that student athletes remain students and graduate.
a. Exhibit A: We know about Hanspard. He kept us from a bowl. Make the kids go to class, and graduate BUT, LET'S BE CLEAR, DTN WANTS TO GO TO A BOWL. Accomplishing both is possible. We remember.
b. Exhibit B: Tell us what Scott Smith did and let us vote on his reinstatement. Maybe we could have him sit in a desk at the 50 yard line for a few hours? A shed? Did he fold you up and put you in his pocket? C'mon, what did he do? Let's get him on the field. He eats ferrets.
c. Exhibit C: Suspend players if they fall asleep in the Taco Bell drive thru, donkey punch their girlfriend, or have a 0.0 GPA. Otherwise, let us vote on their punishment. We have earned that right. We're good with the polls.
4. Fix our administration.
a. While impossible to accomplish while employed by the university, Catfish Jesus agrees to shed light on the incompetence in the Bell Tower after he leaves the university.
b. Catfish Jesus will write a book filled with jokes about Gerald Myers (hereinafter referred to as "Mustardo Jimenez") and Kent Hance (hereinafter referred to as "Silent Scare.").
c. The book shall include graphic illustrations and charts & graphs. DTN likes charts and graphs. DTN gets distracted easily. We know Craig James (hereinafter referred to as "I can't even think of an apt description for this meat stick" ) has pictures. Include those.
d. Don’t charge $7.50 for a beer at fundraising events. This isn’t a rich state like Alabama. DTN is on a budget. In fact, skip some of the fundraising events and help your young coordinators figure out what the hell they are doing. Maybe you could pitch in on special teams too.
e. Keep the Silent Scare on the scouting reports. He did pretty well preparing for the Baylor game. He called the onside kick danger, fake punt, and identified RGIII as a potential threat. He has a future in scouting.
5. Read the DTN Blog daily.
a. There is lots of free advice and coaching strategies. DTN members are here to help. DTN members are football geniuses. Several DTN members will be in the hall of fame someday, and most played high school football. Some still wear their letter jackets.
Assuming all stipulations are met, DTN expects you to retire in Lubbock. See: Attachment A: A Case Study of David McWilliams (hereinafter referred to as "Kiffin before Kiffin was Cool"). Don’t even think about trying to pull that. But, if you do, make sure we can get Dana Holgerson (hereinafter referred to as "The Bald Mullett Ballet"). Pull some strings and get that dude back in Lubbock.
6. Get us back on TV.
a. DTN is tired of internet feeds and poor radio transmissions. In order to do this, you will need to:
i. Put an exciting product on the field and win.
ii. Say some crazy shit.
b. We want to try and get Musberger drunk. We can't do that over the internet.
In return for adhering to all of the above, DTN agrees to:
1. Cheer for the team.
a. When attending games in person, DTN will tailgate, eat as much as possible, and carry a flask in their boots. This is common practice. DTN will do more of it. Some will even follow you to Boulder, even if Ray Lewis isn't there.
b. When not attending in person, DTN will wildly pace their living rooms and yell loudly until the kids cry. It will be necessary to keep the windows closed so as not to scare the neighbors. Some will make their father-in-law lay on the floor with one foot on the coffee table. Some will listen to the game in the garage, refusing all urges to drink another beer. Some will change shirts several times during the game. This is DTN's way of helping the team. You can thank us later. Several DTN members will pass out at their computer while trying to type funny shit after the game. Don't worry about this.
c. DTN will also post 2000-3000 comments in open gameday threads. Don't read these. They will make you cry. We don't want our head coach to cry. Man up.
2. DTN will spell your name with only one (1) B.
3. DTN will refrain from using these phrases:
You better win or we’ll make you walk the plank. Wish we had that Ruffin defense!
The captain would not have done that. White helmets really do keep our heads cooler.
c. Have you seen Pirates of the Caribbean?
Would you like some Captain Morgan with your coke? ARRRGGHHH you stupid f__!!!
e. I love me some Cap'n Crunch.
f. I'm dressing as Captain and Tenille for Halloween.
4. DTN will petition to remove all Vince Gill songs from Lubbock.
a. Mr. Gill closely resembles the former coach, Mike Leach (hereinafter referred to as "Krunck")
b. His songs aren’t that good anyway.
c. That golf cart video with George Jones was pretty cool.
However, DTN reserves the right to:
1. Boo if Catfish Jesus punts. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ARE DOWN BY 10 WITH 2 FRIGGIN MINUTES LEFT!
Insist that Catfish Jesus keeps a passing attack. Screw that. Just score. Run it, we don't care. SCORE!
3. Insist that Catfish Jesus call a timeout in the final minute of a game to score another touchdown against the Maroon Tahoe Alumni Club. You better pay attention to this. This is critical. We'll be watching tomorrow.
4. Get pissed off and repost old contracts and rants about the glory days of mediocrity.
5. Buy a Pony voodoo doll and cook it in the microwave.
6. Bitch about 2nd down draws.
7. Scream SHOCK THE MONKEY for no apparent reason.
8. In addition, DTN reserves the right to refrain from calling you "The Riverboat Gambler".
a. Lubbock has no rivers.
b. Gambling is illegal.
c. Your gambles have been a big hit on YouTube- in a bad way.
d. "Gambling" is going for it on 4th and 5 from your own 18 in the 4th quarter, not calling for the victory formation out of the shotgun.
e. As such, DTN thinks it’s wise to move slowly here.
Having all parties adhere to the stipulations in the contract will ensure success and happiness. This agreement shall be binding upon the parties, their successors, assigns and personal representatives. Time is of the essence on all undertakings. This agreement shall be enforced under the laws of the state of Texas.
This is the entire agreement.
Signed the day and year first written above. Sign it this time.
Catfish Jesus: __________________________________
DTN : ____________________________________
Matador Intelligence Quiz
Designed to gauge your Texas Tech and West Texas Bona Fides
1. You've given up touchdowns on onside kicks in two consecutive weeks. How do you address the problem?
a. Practice onside kicks during the week and watch films.
b. Tell the fans not to get up for popcorn because they're gonna see some excitement during kickoffs.
c. Start the game with an onside kick and dance on the sideline like Yosemite Sam.
2. You lose a game that you should have won. This is a surprise to DTN because we were sure the "one bad loss" moved to Florida. Who's to blame?
c. Ray Lewis & Michael Irvin. And Krunck.
d. Boise State.
3. When is it suitable to line up in the victory formation and take a knee?
a. When you are up by at least 10 points with a minute left.
b. When you are up by 3 with a minute left in Boulder.
c. When you are up by 48 points with a minute left.
d. NEVER. THIS IS A HINT. NEVER EVER.
4. Your wife wants to take a quick trip this weekend and get out of town. Do you:
a. Fly to Arkansas and hunt a duck.
b. Squeeze in a few fundraising lunches.
c. Tell her to shut up because you're trying to win that championship. She can go to KK's Craft Mall.
d. Make the quick drive to Ruidoso and enjoy the mountain air.
5. How do you pronounce Ruidoso?
c. Who cares? We only pronounce cham pee yon ships around here. Multiple.
6. What’s in the flask?
7. It's halftime and you're getting interviewed by the crew from the Oxygen Network. What do you say?
a. We just gotta get the running game going.
b. We need to run the ball better.
c. We should run more.
d. We're gonna score 50 points in the 2nd half, and kick their ass. Then I'm gonna go raise another $25 million tonight. Then I'm gonna give you a call and you're gonna have dinner with me. Take it to the bank, sweetie.
8. Quick, choose one:
a. War Eagle
b. Mystery Yelling Face Painted Girl
9. You need some new jeans to wear with your shiny Double T boots. You usually wear a size 26x34. What size jeans should you buy at Dollar Western Wear?
d. Seriously? A 26 inch waist? Lets get you a chicken fry. No wonder you're always so damn cold and the wind blows you down. Get your winter coat on son.
10. Essay Question:
How does a Poison concert in the 80's relate to college football in 2010? Explain.
Answer: Everybody scores. Even C.C. (hereinafter referred to as Mississippi State)
2010 is all about scoring on offense. Sure, get you a good defense, but you've gotta score 30+ points to have a chance to win. Modify your view of the football landscape. Your former Auburn team scored 65 points a few weeks ago because they had to. In today's college football you better be able to score. Screw clock management. Screw the victory formation. Outscore your opponents and we'll buy you a breakfast burrito (breakfast taco if you are south of the taco/burrito divide).
Signed contract and completed quiz should be faxed in by midnight. We will contact you soon to discuss the results. Thanks for taking care of this, it will really help us at DTN.
We can make changes. It starts with rolling the eff out of A&M!